found the other keg... it's in the tree
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
