see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
