I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
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