it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize