there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
