Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
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