I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize