Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
