Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize
