New low: just hacked my moms facebook
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Randomize
