i wish peter jackson would direct porn
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
