tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
If its not for food we ain't going out.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
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