I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
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