my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Randomize
