Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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