i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
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