Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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