a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Randomize
