Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
I need to stop coming to work sober
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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