Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
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