He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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