I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
