I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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