Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Randomize
