I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Randomize
