last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
Randomize
