I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
