I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
i think i have herpe
just one?
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
