If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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