Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
you made out with another girl for some wings
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
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