and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
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