i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
i'm going through the NYU 2014 group looking for future drunken hookups. too slutty?
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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