you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
