I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
