Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
