he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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