We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
