Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Randomize
