I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Randomize
