if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
