There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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