...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
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