i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
