Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
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