i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
I intend to get homeless drunk
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Randomize
