I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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