There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Randomize
