i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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