You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
