I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize