i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
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