well I can't set my house on fire every night
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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