when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Randomize
