Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
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