dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
