If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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