Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
