If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
