Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
