turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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