I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
Randomize
