I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Randomize
