1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
He saved me in his phone as Easy Jen. Should I be offended?
I wouldn't worry about it. He has me as "Sex Puppet."
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Randomize
