do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
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