remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize
